The Last One

The Last One

Two years ago yesterday, my last SO broke up with me. I haven’t dated since, which I’m fine with. I’ve known that I’m asexual for a while, and though I am a hopeless sap, I may be aromantic as well. Who knows. Maybe that’s why I kept screwing things up.

That’s not really fair, though–none of it was my fault. The first one–She Who Shall Not Be Named (just scroll through my posts and you’re sure to find something about her)–was a hopeless a-hole, self-centered, abusive, oblivious, and just…I can’t event.

My second one, who is also not named, but just to respect her privacy, wasn’t so bad. What we had was short-lived, but it was fun and sweet and still carries some of my favorite memories. Looking back, I know it wasn’t meant to last. She was mature enough to see that before things got messy, and we’re still amicable.

I don’t really talk about the last one.

It was the magic and misery of falling in love with your best friend. I’d been attracted to him since we’d met, but quashed it because he was in a relationship. Besides, that’s when #2 and I were shamelessly flirting. There was so much between now and then. I can’t go into it. What we had was beautiful. Our friendship–that’s what I miss the most. But the other part–it lasted all of two weeks after two years of friendship.

Bottom line, he took advantage of how I felt about him. He was confused after breaking up with his partner of three years (who, by the way, he is now engaged to). He used me. I should have known better. But he gave me what I’d been pining for for over a year. I’d never felt anything so perfect. Most of what my mom taught me is crap, and given the abuse and overall shittiness going on between her and the father, I shouldn’t take her advice on romance. But she’d said, “When you fall in love, you just know.”

When it came to She Who Will Not Be Named, what I felt was more of an infatuation. maybe even something akin to Stockholm Syndrome, I have no idea–just that she captured me and I felt I could not run away, no matter how many outs I had, or how many people advised me to leave her. With the second one, it was mostly a crush come to life. But this guy–when I felt what I felt for him, I finally understood what it was. I’d never felt so close to anyone. I felt like I could tell him anything, but never the bad stuff. I never talked about the first, abusive relationship. He was the only one I never talked to about her. Because when I was with him, I always felt happy. Yes, we shared deep stuff. We talked about our mental health and bad habits, and a lot of that was heavy. But that was something we shared. With her–that first one–I just didn’t want to talk about her when I was with him. I wanted to feel what his presence gave me, his strength, his light, his love.

I don’t talk about him. I don’t share our moments with anyone else. I never told anyone who I was dating. I mentioned I was seeing someone, and a couple people guessed when they saw him with me, but I was still living on campus and he’d graduated, so we weren’t around much during the day. I remember a conversation with one friend when I mentioned I was dating again.

“Do I know this human?” he’d asked.

“I think you’ve probably seen them around,” I said.

“Are they a good human?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “One of the best people I’ve ever met.”

This human broke up with me because he didn’t need me anymore. He’d been using me to get over his breakup, and after two weeks, he was getting over his shell-shock. So he didn’t need me anymore. He even said he felt like he’d manipulated me, which he had, but admitting it didn’t fix anything. He should have been a better person. He’d always been the better person. But I was the stupid, naive, fragile little doll he granted euphoria only to let me fall when his grip gave way.

We tried–at least I did–to remain friends, but it didn’t work out. Stuff like that never works out. We haven’t spoken in nearly two years. And yeah, now he’s engaged. To the same person he’d dated before me.

I don’t like talking about him. It makes me angry and sad. My heart still cracks when I think of the tiny moments we shared. I try to write about them but I can’t. I try to talk about them but I can’t. Maybe someday I will. Maybe. But even two years later, I still can’t.

I think I’m better off on my own–and not in that teenage white girl “I don’t need no man!!!” that gets posted on social media three days before they start dating someone new. Maybe I’ll date again. But right now I’m okay with the idea of being single and just focusing on me for a while.

I used to think that if he came back to me, I’d take him back in a second. But not anymore. I have no idea what he’d try to say if he saw me. But I’m not going to listen to him anyway, so maybe it doesn’t matter.

 

Family

They tell me it’s a lot of work, maybe more than I can handle. They tell me it’s hard to balance school and life and work as it is, let alone with a kid. But other people do it. I see other people do it. I know I have a family. Not my blood relatives (except my little brother–he’s the only member of my biological family I talk to)–I have friends so close I consider them part of my family. But I want someone to come home to, who can come home to me. Someone I can love and take care of. Someone I can give a name to. Someone I can spend my days with. Someone I take take places and explore with. Someone I can teach about the world. I want that family. I want to raise someone, someone who’s mine.
Why can’t I go for that–just because I want to? Do I need a better reason than that?

One Long Year

Hello everybody, it’s bee a long year. I know it hasn’t been a year since I posted–but it’s been a year since I’ve posted regularly.

It’s also been over a year since I’ve self-harmed, which I consistently fist-bump myself for. It’s a great feeling. It’s the longest I’ve gone without a relapse since I started back in…I can’t remember when. Dudes, I haven’t even pinched myself or pulled my own hair out. I’m pretty proud of myself.

It’s been over a year since I got my job. I’ve successfully survived two summers at this place. Summers are insane. It’s the only time of year the school-age program is more full than the early childhood program. Since I run school-age, I am on my toes constantly. I planned an entire summer full of over 40 activities–field trips, STEAM workshops, dance lessons, theater and improv games, yoga, guest artists, trips to local businesses, and other stuff I can’t even pull up right now.

I was easily at work 10-12 hours a day at least twice a week running everything. For my first summer as a supervisor, not shadowing, it went pretty well. The kids had a blast and the teachers seemed to, almost as much.

Now summer’s winding down and I”m preparing to be a student again. I’m finally enrolled at UWM’s online Cultural Foundations of Community Engagement and Education program. In May I had to go through the process all over again to prove my residency. Last fall, they were going to charge me out-of-state tuition unless I filed an appeal or delayed my enrollment for a year. I didn’t have the time or energy for an appeal, so here I am. Classes start next week. It’s a Master’s program, but I’m part-time, so I’m not sure how intense it will be.

I’m hoping less intense than this summer. I tried to take an accelerated summer class, but ti didn’t work out. I was reading close to a thousand pages a week along with writing several discussion posts and reflection pieces. My final paper proposal was turned down a week and a half before the class ended. I dropped the class. It’s not because I didn’t think I could do what I needed to do–I knew I could. What I couldn’t stand was the idea of me turning in a sub-par paper, skimping on my readings, and half-assing reflection papers simply because I didn’t have time to put in more effort. I knew I could get so much more out of this course if I had more time. So I’m taking it this fall instead and planning to get the most out of it.

Oh, and I’m having nightmares about the upcoming school year as it affects the kids at work. Fun stuff!

I’m taking photos for a wedding in a couple weekends. It’ll be my first legit gig, and I’m pumped. I want to get some more practice in if I can. I also kind of want to start my own photography business. Some friends are encouraging me too. I take really good pictures and my camera is awesome. I think I’ll give it a try.

Stay tuned. I have a lot to say, just haven’t had much time to write it.

Peace out.