When Life Becomes Work, your Work Becomes your Life

When I think of all the kids I have been privileged enough to encounter in my short time working with youth, I can remember every time one of them said or did something that changed my entire perspective. I remember the stories that I heard from the students in South Dakota that made me realize what I wanted to do with my life. I remember the middle schooler who said inspirational things about life and then told me her life was not meaningful. I remember the six year old who told me she wanted to die. I remember the high schoolers who told me what life was like at their school, telling me things that I never thought could happen. I remember the elementary school girl who made her fingers into a gun and pointed them at her head. I remember the tears of the kids who couldn’t go home when they wanted to and couldn’t think about anything else. I remember the kids who cling to my arms crying and can’t tell me what it is that they’re feeling. I remember the four year old who ran around the room pretending to shoot people. I remember the boy who ran around the room knocking things over and screaming and then flung his arms around me and held my hand and sat in my lap. I remember the faces of all the kids I’ve ever worked with. I have so many names etched into my existence. I have so many voices laced into my dreams. I have so many stories weighing down my heart. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to rise in the morning and smile at my kids when they run to me shouting my name and hid my tears until I fall into bed at night.

500 characters or less

Describing my passion in text while applying for still more jobs. Justifying my passion. Trying to figure out how I stand out.

Who else from my trip still talks, a year later, to that kid from South Dakota who admitted to self harm and suicidal thoughts?

Who else noticed the red flags and drew the supervisors’ attention to the girl who otherwise may have suffered without resources?

Who else gets through to the queer kids in a way that they understand and appreciate because I accepted each part of them openly, celebrating each facet of their expression?

Who else recognizes the tiny subtle signs of mental illness, emotional abuse, low self-esteem, self loathing, in the quiet kids, the ones who are not overt “troublemakers,” but who sit on the sidelines, or interact casually, but who hold back in the tiniest of ways, in ways that most people either don’t see or choose not?

Who else sees the flaws in the entire system surrounding child rearing and fights to uproot the ideology that children are the property of caregivers, that they are a chore, that they are a challenge to be overcome?

Who else sees the massive importance in the small things they express, the tiny details of their personhood?

Hopefully everyone. Hopefully every single person that applies, that in any way interacts with a child, has all of this and more.
Hopefully I have these, as I feel I do, and hopefully they are as beneficial as I feel they are.

I’ve seen the evidence of my positive influence on the kids I work with. But it’s almost impossible to express that. Time after time potential employers seem not to believe me. For the first time since I started writing, my words are failing me.
Something like this can’t be expressed, but only shown, and in a field where I myself barely understand the impact of my work, how can I possibly show it in the fifteen minutes or 500 characters I’m allowed?

My Struggle

All the other camps I want to apply to are either full-time off campus positions (which I can’t take if I want to be a teacher for TRIO, and I want to maintain any connection to my kids that I am allowed) or already fully staffed and no longer accepting apps, or have values that are so drastically different from mine that I would not feel comfortable or safe in that environment. I know there are a lot worse things that could be happening to me right now and for the most part I am a very lucky person. But I can’t help but feel discouraged and undervalued. My kids are my life. I thought I was doing well enough that people could see that. Is it just that my methods or mentoring are so bizarre to people they can’t trust me in that role? Is going out of my way to empathize and understand those that I work with so uncalled for? Is taking time to have extra conversations with the ones that are usually ignored really that horrible? Is disagreeing with what my co-workers say and do and trying to have a constructive conversation about that an instant fail? I know I had my off days where I got short with a kid or a co-worker, but doesn’t everyone have those? Why aren’t I allowed that? Just as my self esteem was beginning to blossom I get shot down again because my philosophy on working with kids isn’t exactly the same as theirs. I’m blocked from the Pine Ridge trip because of stupid politics and someone who seemed bound and determined to bring me down by targeting the thing that was most important to me–my work with kids. I was prevented from even applying to CESA 6 and their Youth Mentor Program because my fucking anxiety won’t allow me to be a safe driver. I can’t do TRIO because of “something to do with group dynamics” and a few remarks from kids about me picking favorites when the majority of their comments were positive, saying I was nice and friendly and interesting and even logical. Logical! Do you have any idea what that means to me after years and years of being written off as an emotional nobody with nothing valuable or important to say? At least one kid out their respected the fact that I took time to explain things and went about doing things in a way that made sense to me (and them too apparently).
And now I can’t do any other summer camp that’s come my way, because I missed app deadlines because TRIO took their sweet time letting me know they didn’t want me back, or because I disagree with the mission of the camp, or because choosing that camp would force me to choose between it and maintaining what little connection I still have with the kids who I promised would see me again.
I know that I’m young. I know I’m still learning. I know I have room to improve. I know that, for the most part, I have nothing to complain about.
But I’ve only recently figured out what is most important to me. I’ve only recently begun to take action on it, get myself out there, make myself known. And I am being blocked again and again for reasons that I don’t understand or agree with.
I’m not unused to this. I grew up surrounded by people who loved to shoot me down. Who told me I could do whatever I wanted and then laughed at me whenever I did what I wanted, or showed any semblance of passion or talent.
I guess the difference now is that I’m not going to let stupid petty people get in my way. I’m going to keep fucking trying. Because I might not have the confidence to believe in myself but fuck anybody who thinks I don’t love my kids more than anything else in the world, and fuck anybody who thinks I would ever, EVER give up on them. I won’t be shot down, I won’t be shoved aside, I won’t be disregard or laughed at without fighting back. I study this shit. I know it’s hard on kids to lose a mentor figure even if all that figure was is a familiar face. Let alone a trusted friend, role model or support, which I know I was to at least some of them.
People tell me that it will all make sense some day. They say that this is all a strength test and I will come through better for it in the end. But having started with so little confidence, so little strength, and sop little support, I am constantly afraid that I may physically be unable to come through at all. Things that seem like small obstacles to other people can seem like insurmountable challenges to me, because I have so little experience to go off of. I have only recently discovered my sense of self. There’s not a lot of me that I can carry around or save when things go wrong. I’ve had to start over so many times in the past three years after doing the exact same things day in and day out for seventeen years. I don’t understand life. People terrify me. Relationships terrify me. The future terrifies me. I wonder if I am capable, emotionally, physically, to continue with anything I do. If I am capable of actually being. I let people walk over me constantly. I let people take advantage of me. I let them think I am fine, I am okay, I don’t care, go ahead, you’re more important than I am. And they believe me. I let them think it does not bother me that the things that are most important to me are taken away. That it’s okay for them to define me as something that I am not, as someone who I am not. To pass me off as unimportant. Because guess what? I believe them.
I want to keep going. I want to keep trying. I want to keep fighting. I want to say FUCK YOU to anything and everything that gets in my way. If I don’t have me kids, I feel like I won’t have anything. They are my purpose ad my life.
But I’m scared. I’m scared if I can’t. I’m scared if the day comes and I no longer want to. I’m scared if I lose my support. I’m scared if everything I believe in once again falls apart and leaves me to deal with the pieces. I know that a lot of people have gone through so much worse than I have. I feel petty and stupid even complaining about this. But I am small. I came in here with nothing to go on. I had no self concept except this image of a horrible, selfish, stupid, worthless person. A person with nowhere to go.
But now I’ve found where I want to go. I want to say that nothing can stop me now and these obstacles are just roadblocks that I can overcome. But I’m not sure. I’ve been wrong before. It’s hard for me to remember a time when I was right.

Flashback

Flashback

I was coming back to campus on the bus last night and I ran into a small child.

She was a toddler, probably two at the oldest. She had an older brother who looked to be five or six and a baby sister who was less than a year old, and a mother. They were waiting for the same bus and we were all sitting at the transit station.

I’d encountered a few tiny humans on my trip already that day and I was watching these ones out of the corner of my eye because I can’t get enough of kids and these were totally adorable. To clinch it, the little girl walked over to me at one point and said hello and patted my hair saying it was pretty. Then she touched my earring and asked what it was and I told her “Earring.”

I was having fun with her, and she was being totally sweet, but her mother yelled at her to come back and sit her butt down. I said “She’s fine, it’s okay” because I wanted the mother to know I didn’t mind so she wouldn’t get mad at the toddler. But the mother insisted the child join her and didn’t even acknowledge me.

I sat in silence as the toddler rejoined her mother. The mother was talking sweetly to the baby, and the little boy was sitting politely and quietly, and the toddler got bored and walked over to me again and touched my earring and said “I like your earrings.”

I smiled at her and said thank you and let her touch the earring (a bit nervous she’d accidentally pull it but otherwise not caring that she was playing with it) and again her mother yelled at her to come sit down and be a good girl.

I thought of saying something again but I didn’t know how I could convince the mom that I wanted nothing more than to interact with her incredibly sweet daughter. I started feeling really bad for her, and I realized I had to stop interacting with the kids or they’d get in more trouble with the mother. So I stared straight ahead and tried not to be too conspicuous.

But I couldn’t help hearing what the mother was saying to the toddler. She was telling the toddler to look at the baby. “Look at your sister. She’s being so sweet and quiet. Mommy’s little baby. Look at her so sweet and perfect. Hi baby, mommy loves you.”

I became quietly furious.

I could see the reaction in the toddler. She was upset she couldn’t make mommy happy like baby did. She talked to the baby, then tried talking to the mother, but the mother was too busy cooing and awing over the baby and saying how sweet and perfect the baby was. When the toddler started crying and raising a fuss about something, the mother yelled at her to sit down and shut up or mommy was going to get mad. When the baby started crying and raising a fuss about something, the mother still yelled at the toddler: “Look what you did. You made the baby cry. Poor baby. You made the baby cry.”

It was triggering memories from my own childhood, my mother constantly comparing me to my siblings. Asking why I couldn’t be good like them. Asking why I wasn’t sweet like them. Calling them “perfect” and yelling at me for not being perfect. For not making her happy. Blaming me for making my siblings upset and not even asking if they did anything that made me upset. Scolding me for being curious, being outgoing, being chatty, being me.

My mother making me feel like childhood was a competition, and my siblings were not my friends but my rivals. Pitting us against each other so we strove for the best behavior in order to be the “perfect” one at each others’ expense. Gloating when we got the prize. Mocking each other for not being good enough children.

I flashed forward into my head to what this toddler will be like when she’s my age if her mother continues to compare her to her siblings, continues to pit them against each other. Not only will her children have trouble in their relationship with her, but with each other as well. How fully can you love a sibling you’re constantly being compared negatively to? How comfortably can you trust a parent who only loves you when you’re being perfect and sweet?

It hurt my heart to think of that perky little girl beaten down by low self-esteem and struggling with self-image and interpersonal relationships. It hurt me to see so much of my past in someone else’s present and it made me sick to project my present as her potential future.

I dread the day I have children of my own and am tempted to do what she did.